t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary

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Stress.

I've been very stressed the last few weeks.

In the beginning of those weeks I became pregnant, found out I was pregnant, decided it was really a gift in the disguise of a mistake and happily thought about my future. Then I miscarried as many women do before they even know they're pregnant.
As soon as I became pregnant I knew it. As soon as I lost the baby I knew it. I try not to think about it too seriously. It makes life easier. I occassionally think about how it would be if I were still pregnant but I don't let it get me down because my day to carry a child will come in due time.
In the last week I've come back to school after Winter Break and it was hard to get back into the swing of being here. I wanted to be back home, I wanted to be pregnant with Richard's child and I wanted to carry it inside of me and then spend the rest of my life with this new person. I didn't want to be back. I felt lonely and as though I was wasting my time.
But I endured. I survived those emotioned and continued on my path to a "brighter" future.
In the days to come I fixed a lot of my college career and made sure that everything I needed to get done was. It made me feel a lot better but after only a day or so new problems arose.
My friend Josh from the fourth floor wasn't in a good mood and when he gets like that suddenly everything I do was wrong. Everything in the past as well. Things that he had enjoyed in the days and even hours before but as soon as his mood changes everything is wrong with me.
When he's happy he expects me to be this happy, playful leader, which is what I normally am. When he's not happy and I'm still that happy, playful leader he gets really pissed off. I can't stand the ups and downs of it all. He admits the reason we fight is because he starts them and that they're because of his actions but that doesn't matter because he's not going to change. In an attempt to make this 'better' I avoid touching him, letting him touch me and joking around too much. I also make sure not to suggest many things and just let my friends wander. When I did this he asked me what was wrong, why I wasn't being playful and why I didn't want him touching me and why I hadn't touched him or taken charge. Again, I was in the wrong.
I can't cater to his moods and I refuse to.
After all of this fighting with him all I want to do is talk to Richard.
I try and call him multiple times but his phone isn't picking up the signal so it doesn't ring through. Finally at 1:22am he calls me but I'm in another room without my cell phone. When I get the missed call it's 1:40am and his phone wasn't ringing through again. I kept calling straight through until it finally rang on his end for 20 minutes. When he answered he was playing Halo 2 and I told him that I really wanted to talk to him. He said he wanted to talk to me too and had missed me and in reply I said "are you sure, you can keep playing if you want, I understand" and he said "no, I'm quiting". It was about five minutes later and he was still playing halo that I said to him "either turn off the game or hang up the phone." ten seconds later "now." And he hung up on me.

This morning we talked about it... it seemed like things were getting better... then this evening I called him and he ignored me in the beginning and it really upset me so I told him not to tell me to call him when he was busy and we started talking about last night and he became irate with me in a way that no one has ever or will ever again.

I immediately hung up on him, turned off my cell, unplugged my land line phone and blocked him on all messangers.

I'm leaving him to think on this one by himself.

7:26 p.m. - 2006-03-23

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