t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Staying busy. It's not like I was actively trying to ignore him. It just happened. My days have been blurring together in a mixture of fun and good times with my friends. In these time there has been the occasional call from Richard, they're never long at all, five minutes to ten minutes and they dont get very deep at all. Well, tonight he called and I realized I hadn't thought about him at all until I saw his number on my cell phone. That was a completely first since we'd met eachother. We were talking and instantly I was annoyed with him.. I just couldnt take talking to him. When he said 'I love you' I would reply with thank you, when he said 'I miss you' I would reply with I'm sorry. Finally he asked if I loved him and I said "no, no really" and this made him very upset. I'd just been so damn busy that I havent had time to miss him or think about loving him, and before all of this we broke up, which is still on, and we went though a lot of tramatizing experiences... and I was avoidingfeelings for him subconsciously... But then he started saying "I miss you so much though. I love you and miss you and I want to be with you." So I told him to come up if he missed me so much and he told me he couldnt and when I asked why he had no answer. After a pause he told me he'd see what he could do. I wasnt really excited or upset about this. I've had my hopes raised and then dashed a lot lately because of him and my first instinct is disbelief. The only random, spontanious, loving thing Richard has ever done for me before was buying me flowers when he accidentally went to DuBois instead of heading toward my house... But I did think about him some the rest of the night. Not in a lovey, I-miss-him kind of way but in a oh-everything-is-connected-to-Richard kind of way. So tonight I call him and for some reason I'm eager to talk to him. I start joking about my male virgin friends who I want to steal the Vcard from and he gets quiet and then tells me he's hurt and then I feel bad and he says "I cant believe I was going to come up and make love to you tomorrow." I dont believe him. Richard, come up spontaniously? Yeah, right. So somehow it gets twisted around and I tell him how bad he hurt me then he gets pissy and tells me he doesnt want to talk and it all ended in my shouting that if he love me so fucking much he'd figure out a way to show me how much he loved me because I'm not telling him anymore, ever because he never did the stuff anyway and then hanging up on him.
I guess not. But I'm not going to drop hints or tell him what I want in here, fuck no, if he wants to be with me so damn much he'll figure it out himself... if not.. then I'll just continue to exist and pray to stay busy.
1:16 a.m. - 2005-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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