t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not so bad. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to wait any longer. My patience has run dry and now it's over. I wanted Richard to be here over New Years, but now he's not going to be. That's alright though, right? I mean, I'm a strong girl. I can survive without him. He's been my lover for over two years now, the man I went to for lover and joy and sitting here I can think of many, many things that he has done for me and those things do not get forgotten under the turmoil of the now. I just wish I could have my way. It would be the best way for everyone involved... and when i say that I mean Richard and I but I wont get that. Not today, not tomorrow... probably not ever. It's a hard transition to make... the one from having someone there to having that someone practically vanish... but that's what happens. I think I will always hold out hope for Richard. My mind tells me to stop and to give up and to just let it be but then my heart and soul will tell me to never let him go, never give up on him, there's something wonderful there... but anymore, when I listen to my heart and my soul they end up getting hurt. So now, I've decided it's time for my mind to be the main played in the game. I shall just stuff my heart and soul into a burlap sack and through it in a locked room at the very edge of me where they will have time to cope and heal while my mind makes the choices. The worst part in all of this is that he always thinks he making the right choice until it's all over and he can look back in precious hindsight and see that it was all in vain and that, while standing in the corner after stating as fact what would be best, I had been badly injured in the course of it. He doesn't understand until then and we're both so stubborn anymore. In the beginning, and even middle and toward the end, I had not been so stubborn as I am now. It would not be so bad if not for the seemingly constant heart and ache and need to build myself up again... because of that I am hard again...after I worked so long to be soft and gentle and to let myself trust him. He, however, has always been this stubborn and it is not likely to change any time soon.
Actually, I will say something to you now while I can. Last night, after you told me that you weren't going to come up and see me because it was better for you not to because of all of those different reasons I was thinking about how I wasn't in that list. I wasn't a priority anymore... I had been left behind. You'd sacraficed me and what our relationship needed for other things... and the saddest part is that all of the things you were doing were going toward building a future for something that wasn't there in the present. You gave up our second chance for a future because you were too busy planning the future that will never come. It will come for someone else though. You and this someone else that I hope you will be happy with... As for me, well... Dont worry. My act will get me through. It took me almost two full years to get over Paul and I... and he and I only shared the tiniest fraction of what you and I did... I wonder how long it will be before I'm over you.
Love can be so boring. Nothing's quite the same now, It's not so bad. I made my choice to leave you because I couldn't take it anymore. That doesn't mean it hurts any less... In fact, I think it hurts me. 1:32 p.m. - 2005-12-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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