t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Peice by peice. It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself in a matter of days. And it's amazing how much you can lose of yourself... how much you can forget of yourself over such a long period of time and never really notice. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll notice something is a bit off, a little different but nothing too noticable... But then, before you know it, your staring at your reflection in the mirror asking yourself what happened and who the fuck is that staring at you with such floudering eyes. Next your reading over old diary entries wondering how you got so much passion and how you put those words in that order. There used to be such a rhythm to me. Such a rhythm to my writing and my thoughts. I used to be deep and interesting. I'm still as curious as I've ever been but the things I'm curious about have changed dramatically. I used to be curious about the stars, about politics, religion, the way the world worked, how far I could push my limits and still stand tall... I used to think about things so deeply in kind of scared me and calmed me in the same moment. I feel like the emotional abuse I suffered from my mother brought to that. It forced me to turn out and face the world with eyes open as wide as I could and just pray that with every step I wouldnt stumble back into the intolerable abiss of my "home". I pushed myself out. In this world you need to make yourself. You have to really put yourself out there. I was alone and I was strong. I was finding out who I was and who I could be. Then I fell in love. It was what I'd always wanted and dreamed of. To be loved. I don't remember what I expected to happen when I feel in love but I can sure as hell remember the way I wanted it to feel. I want to feel like without that person my soul would be incomplete and malcontent to continue on. But at the same time I wanted it to be this constant happiness because that person would never leave me. I wanted romance and the chase. I wanted a long courtship. I wanted to be coy and innocent when he shyly told me he had feelings for me... I never really got that. I was sure as hell coy and innocent and Richard was shy... but it wasn't what I'd imagined. Never did I think that when I cried on the phone to Richard, telling him how trapped I felt and how I hated my mother that in two years I would be thinking about leaving him because he'd killed me in ways I didn't think I could be killed. I don't think the way I used to. I don't have individual thoughts anymore because I'm too afraid to have them trampled on by the man I vowed I needed to spend the rest of my life with. I told him this and he accepts responsibility fully but it doesn't undo what's be done. I won't lie. I've felt numb for quite some time now. I felt it within myself, the emptiness but I could pin point it. It was too vague. Now, in an effort to find myself again, I'm debating leaving him. At this point in time Richard and I are trying to fix our relationship. We have code words that having been working very well. We point out the things we're doing, the habits we have that are distructive to ourselves. He's not blaming me but I can't help but feel like I need to run. I need to run. I feel sufocated. I want to feel the cold on my body, the wind in my hair, the emotion in my breath, the depth in my thoughts all without fear. It's sad that he fell in love with what I've lost because of him. Do I leave him or stay? I want his comfort but I don't want the emotional turmoil. I can do this. I can do this. Either way. Any way. I can do this. Wish upon a star 11:12 p.m. - 2006-04-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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