t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary

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Unwanted.

After all that's been going on these past weeks he was all I needed. Well... He's not coming. For sure. He wasn't coming for sure to begin with but I was in denial. I thought that if I showed him how much it meant to me, how much I believed in us it would all work out. He would find a way to do both. I was wrong. I am heart broken.

I never wantt to talk to him again. This was now or never for me and now I'm crying and sitting here thinking about what he must think of me.

I have never needed something like I needed this.

So now, I start my life over. I'll let myself fall apart for the next half hour or so because after that I have to go to class... and I need to pick up the peices...

I can't even tell him I love him. He broke my trust and he broke my heart. He tells me I should be more considerate... I would have been if it hadn't meant this much to me. There was no going back. I tried to be calm but I couldn't. I tried to understand but I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE COULDN'T JUST COME HERE AND DO IT! He has the oppertunity and I swear to God on my life and the lives of everyone that I know and love that he would have gotten work done.

He sees my desperation as selfishness... when really it's just groping onto the last strings of emotional trust that I had tied to him. They're gone now. He tore them away saying that him staying at home was the right thing when I needed him here.

The last time I felt this heart broken was when he broke up with me.

I'm praying now. I dont think God will answer me though. He answered me last time... but... this time there's no time.

Can you believe that as I poured my heart out he sat there thinking about being with me sexually and touching himself??? It made me so sick and angry... he really doesn't understand what he's doing to me.

I feel so abandoned. I've felt this way by him for so long now... and I just wanted him to be here and show me he was here and he wanted me... but he doesn't. He doesn't want me anymore.

I just want to die. I just want to die. I've been let down for the last time by the only person I've ever let myself trust that much. He has brothers and a sister and a mother and a father and it's so tight knit and he has all of these people...
and I grew up with no one.

My mother is now whoring it out to men on the internet, going out every weekend and never being home, never taking care of the family. She was never home when I was younger, for the last how many years I have played mother to Elizabeth and adult to the household. I have no one.

I have no one.

I thought I had him... But I DONT. I DONT HAVE ANYONE.

oh god... oh god... oh god.

I never claimed to not have problems... I trusted you Richard. For you this was just another weekend... for me, it was everything.

But now... now I have to move on and start again.

I don't want to. But I will... I will because you don't want me anymore.

12:08 p.m. - 2005-11-18

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