t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not thinking The ending of Moulin Rouge is playing in the background and it's bringing back many memories my my dearest and I. I miss him and I want him to be here. I want to hear him seeing to me... I want to see the look on his face after the tragedy and the appreciation he feels toward me in those moments. I want to look at him and show him my appreciation for him. I love him so much. If I think about it vaguely enough I can feel his body near mine.. so hard and saft at the same time. So solid, holding me and just soft enough to be perfectly comfortable on. We don't know what will happen... but what I do know it that we're both going to have to take this one day at a time. And as the days turn into weeks it will just be closer until the time we can talk again and see if things have changed. Honestly, if he came up here this weekend my heart would burst. He would show me in that one weekend everything I've ever wanted him to show me. If he brought up flowers, and his books for studying we could have a blissful weekend together... studying and basking in the love. In that one action he would make me happy enough to live blissfully ever after. I don't expect it of him though. I do wish however. Just thinking about it makes it easier to breath and to live. I feel pathetic. It's only been 13 hours since we last talked. I suppose it's just the idea of him not being there... of me not being there for him. There is so much we need to work on... Him coming here would be a beautiful first step.. but if and when he doesn't I will only be mildly disappointed because it's only something I entertained in my head. I have skipped both of my classes today. I haven't had the ability to get up and go. I just can't bring myself to do it. Tomorrow I will though. I might not go to my first class because we dont have to, it's an optional retest and I dont need to retest. I'm definitely going to my 11 o'clock though. That's a class you can't skip because the only way to get the notes is ot go to class. In all of my other classes however the notes are exactly from the book or on powerpoint online, so I'm alright. In friday I'm going to all of my classes as well. I need to get back into the habit of going to all of my classes... I'm turning into a bad student these last few weeks with all of this stress. But do not worry about me and my school work. I'm already getting back on track, not that I was ever really off of it, by figuring out the exact dates of all of the assignments leading up to finals week and posting them up on my desk so they're right here for me to see. I need to have it that way because if I dont have an assignment in a highly visable place I have panic attacks and think I'm forgetting something and failing it for sure. I just need to concetrate on school... if I do that I might not miss him so much. Just keep busy. Dont think about the two years we had, with all of their ups and downs... just dont think about it. 1:14 p.m. - 2005-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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