t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 18th Last night, after midnight, Richard and I had a talk. We've decided we're going to break up for an undecided amount of time and that this time we're not talking. I proposed it in a business like manor, so that neither of us got too angry or upset... and so that I could remember everything I needed to say. It really helped me. I know that I would have been a mess of tears and gasping breaths if I hadn’t had that paper. We’re not going to talk until the end of the semester here. So on December 18th Richard says he’s going to call me. Now, by then he may have been able to forget about, which I doubt greatly but just in case he does I’m not going to get my hopes up about him calling me... I just don’t want any chance at all of being let down. You’d be proud diary. I was so strong last night, just trying to make the last conversation we’re going to have in a while as pleasant as possible. I was and am so understand and I didn’t let myself get out of control. As I lay there talking to him I just kept trying to remember exactly the little noises he made and how he was breathing. I was trying to remember every little detail of it all. I started crying then... I tried to keep it hidden... I stifled it for a good five minutes when I was sure that I would collapse any second... but I didn’t, I stayed strong... Until he made this little noise and I remembered holding him in my arms and I pulled the phone as far away from me as it would go and I sobbed into my pillow, trying not to let him know. I regathered my composure but my nose was now stuffed and when he asked about it I lied and told him I was sick. I never wanted that conversation to end but I knew it had to. It wasn’t long, or magical, or anything that you would expect something like that to be... except hard, it was hard... so damn hard to hang up that phone. This morning when I woke up the first thing I wanted to do was call him and I would tell myself no and I would go into this automatic panic attack. I felt like my world was crashing down, but I wouldn’t let it get out of to control... I need to stay strong. I need to stay strong. I need to stay strong. I will stay strong and as time goes on it will be easier and during finals week it will be more easy and things will just be better. I know. I know they will. I just have to throw myself completely into my studies and I can do this.
Diary, I, God, I don’t want to miss him. I don’t want to do this. I had to lie to my darling last night, “I know this is what we should do but is it what you want?” I think for a second... and I lie. “Yes.” I don’t want to do this but I know we have to... so now music and studying will get me through my days. Friends and video games will get him through his.
9:08 a.m. - 2005-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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