t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's unbelievable, but I believed you. You know what sucks? Reading other peoples diaries and reading about their love and what they have. The little things they're boyfriend's do, the way they feel when they're in their boyfriend's arms... how their boyfriend asked them to to marry him. It brings back so many good memories... and it hurts. Does anyone remember this entry? I remember it. I remember writing it. I remember crying for so damn long after he left. I wish we had that again. That kind of attentative love. Back when he loved me and his love was an action and not merely what he said. I miss those days like I miss breath. My away message says: That's exactly how I feel. That whole song, the suffering from coheed and cambria. So sad. Me listening to the song and typing what I think as it plays: "No, there's no words to say to make ir right. Only actions. He'll make his move. I would have loved you if you stayed. My blue, they're killing me. I wish he would make his choice. Only one choice for him to make, I wish he would make it quick. The air is so sick here. It's such a tangled web. I wish I'd figured you out and not spent so much time... God, I hope you're waiting. I would marry you, if you showed me... I'm so sick in the suffering. I wish things had been better, I just want to come in. So sick in the suffering... please come in. I wish you hadn't pushed me out, I'll be waiting. I've been crying for so long all alone, I would have forgiven you, if you show me you're worthy. I want to try it again, I have so much hope but I fear it's over and now, now I'm dying alone, as I knew I would. I wish I'd fucking figured you out. Why am I still waiting? I really would marry you. But not now. Neither of us are going back in. You don't love me. I had so much hope. You've had your hold and now I'm long past bleeding, my scars are deep and bright pink, fresh from your hold. The suffering... is a miserable place. Why aren't you coming in?"
I'm strong again and I really can do this. The whole thing is in his hands now. If he wants to make the move to be with me again he can. He should know what he needs to do, if not then he listened to me even less than I initially assumed he did. I'm in limbo right now. No heart ache, no sadness, no happiness. I'm just wandering and wondering. I wonder what he's thinking. Occassionally I let myself wonder what he's going to do. I avoid it though. I really do. It's more than a week from now, the final verdict, so why stress about it? I'm not. I wouldnt be able to live if I just let myself worry about it. I am actually pretty happy about life outside of the Richard situation. I mean, I laugh, hang out with friends, hang out with my family. It's a good time as long as I dont think about it. I really will be okay after all of this. It'll be hard though. 1:46 p.m. - 2005-12-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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