t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Would it be beautiful? Last night he called me and it wasn't anything that I expected. It was 3am and I was dead asleep but the sound of my phone ringing woke me up. I followed the "don't answer" rule and waited until it was done ringing, then, I waited for a minute and he had left a voice mail. It was the opposite of what I expected. I expected him to not know yet that I had realized we had an abusive relationship but he did. And he wasn't angry either, which I also expected. Instead he said that he'd read my diary and that the entries were excellent and that he would stop abusing me because he would do anything to be with me. The to call him back as soon as I could. I didn't call him back when I got the message. I didn't know what I would say to him when I did call him back. It might be a hard canversation and I was half asleep and I questioned his ability to stay awake so I decided to save it for the morning. This morning I didn't get up until 11:30am and then I didn't talk to Richard until 12:15ish and by that time Denielle and I had to show our room for a tour group and then go to brunch before the dining hall, Chandler aka Chandyland, closed. When I got back to the dorm at 1:30pm I called him and we were on the phone until 4pm. In the beginning it seemed like we were going to get a lot of communicating about this whole thing done but then the tone promply switched to me being irritated and upset and Richard being irritated and it wasn't good. After that it went into old abusive mode where Richard listened to me talk about what I wanted out of a relationship and then him telling me that I was crazy and abusive too and that I was definitely insane if I wasn't a complete liar. Automatically I put up my wall between being hurt and myself. I asked him why he thought that and he told me because of the things I was saying and after about half an hour of me being the wall I started to break when he told me he couldnt be with me anymore. I tried really hard not to but then he told me that I had some serious problems, and not in a mean way but simply stating it, and I told him he should have known that. I said "I've been abused all my life. My mother abused me, my stepfather abused me, for years my peers abused me, almost everyone I've ever let myself love has left me and now-". At that point Richard interrupted me with a broken "Sarah." and then another more broken "Sarah." He started openly crying and he told me that he didn't want to leave me, he loved me so much and he hated the thoughts of leaving me. He said he'd fallen in love with me because I was intriguing, clever, smart, funny and beautiful and that I was still all of those things but it was hard sometimes. Then we really talked. We made it clear to eachother what we wanted and how we were going to work on it. We laughed and it was like everything was going to be okay. He has an amazing laugh you know. I can see his smile when I hear his laughter. I can see the sparkle in his eyes and I feel my whole body tingle with a sensation that only can be described as complete happiness. I love him. Through everything, I love him. We can work through this together, he and I. I know we can because he loves me and I love him. Love isn't all you need to make a relationship work. I know that. But it's a damn good start and it's what pushes you to be better and stronger. 10:10 p.m. - 2006-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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