t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beautiful Disaster. All of the dots connected. It was an epitome. Literally. I was crying as Denielle was talking to Richard on the phone, telling him exactly what I had just said. Telling him that is was wrong to call me names and that I was trying to apologize and he was keeping the fight going and telling me everything was my fault when I started shouting that what he was doing was emotional abuse. I kept screaming it, almost hysterically, then quickly, to myself between sobs. During the course of my shouting and sobbing Richard apologized, half heartedly, for calling me names and I cracked. I screamed as loud as I've ever screamed in the dorm room, "fuck you! go to fucking hell!" and he hung up on Denielle. After thinking about it for about, oh, twenty seconds I realized I've been in an abusive relationship for the last two and a half years. As soon as it clicked I saw all the patterns. It was text book. How could I have missed it. I was close to beating myself up for not realtizing it. I always knew there was something off with the way our relationship worked but I thought it was just that Richard handled things in a weird way. I didn't really think about it at the time. But really, before I started beating myself up I stopped and I laughed. I just laughed at myself for not realizing it and how insane the situation was because I had let it go on for so long without knowing what was happening. The things he's done have never effected my self-esteem but really, it stressed me to the point of constant tears. I let him control me. I let him control me so much in the simplist of ways. All he had to do was keep telling me I was wrong and all I would want to do is stop it and I would cave in any direction he wanted. I love him so much. I want to be with him. I still want to be with him. He was raised in an emotionally abusive place. His mother has always been undermined by his father. His father always does it to Richard and his siblings. He doesn't think it's wrong because he hasn't seen anything else. I wonder if he hated it when he was a child. I wonder if my darling Richard heard his father shouting at his mother and just wanted to attack his father or cover his ears so it just stopped. I wonder if he'll read this and get really angry and blame it all on me. I wonder if he'll say I'm crazy and exadurating. I don't want my baby boy to think those things. If you read the entry before this it gives specific examples and tells you exactly what an emotionally abusive relationship is like and it's us. It's us when we're fighting and thinking about it makes me sick. I want he and I to get help. I'm going to go to the counselling office on campus and hopefully I'll be able to see a councellor before the end of the semester at least once. Then I'll have to wait until next semester to get that kind of help, but I can work on not being a victim on my own. I can also work on trying not to emotionally abuse anyone I know. I don't know if he'd want to get help. I want him to want help. I want him to see there's something wrong and to get help so we can be together and be healthy. I've seen the love in his eyes and I know something's there... he loves me. I want this to work. I know it's not going to fix itself over night... and this may be the end of some beautiful disaster... but... I dont know. I can hear him calling me melodramatic or telling me how manipulative I am. I can hear him saying I'm dramatic and he's never going to talk to me again becaise he can't deal with someone as stupid as I am. I can feel my throat tightening and my eyes beginning to water. I feel the pain already... it's so familiar anymore and he doesn't see it. I love you so much Richard, and if you think I'm trying to manipulate you then please, just don't read my diary anymore. 10:29 p.m. - 2006-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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