t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Admissions of a half broken heart. I'll admit it. I'm hurt. I'm really, really hurt. I've talked about this to him in a calm way and he's sorry but I still can't help being angry and hurt. Honestly I feel like crying. It's funny how I feel like crying so often and yet I never seem to be able to. I think I've blocked myself emotionally from the world and for a second there I had it all back but I can feel it slipping away again, slipping through my fucking fingers. It's like a light that I held so brightly to me and now as the little things happen, these little fuck up that's make me just want to roll over and go the fuck to sleep, be an agnostic peice of human flesh and not worry about it anymore, I can see it dimming. It's sickening, really. I mean, I know it's slipping, I see this happening so what do I do? I pull it the fuck back. I realize what's going on so I try and prevent it. The worst fucking part of this all is that I'm fucking giving up. I'M GIVING UP!! ALRIGHT!?!? God. I know that's not what I should do but it feel so god damned right to just let it go. Should I go with how I feel now?? Or how I felt this morning when he called me... When that bastard called me and the world lit up. When I smiled before I had time to remember I was upset. When I was happy, really, really happy to hear his voice and just giggle a little at his humor. What do I go on? I feel so many different things right now. He is perfect for me. I can feel that. I can feel it so brilliantly. I remember part of what I said to him... "I'm sick of waiting. I've been waiting and waiting, holding out for things to change, for you to listen to what I say and actually do what you're going to. I've been waiting two god damned years for you to change like you are so sure you're going to. You know, grow up a little. But I can't wait anymore. Two years and no change. What's that say? Does that sound like things are going to change? I don't want to give you more time, it feels like a waste. I dont want to hold out any longer and be patient. My patience has completely run out with you. So either you change now, or you never change for me." Is a week the fateful amount of time? After that is it manditory to forget what you're supposed to be doing? That you're supposed to be getting better? I guess it is. So now, I wait until he gets home so we can "talk". You had better bet there are going to be some tears shed too. I can already feel that much. I would much rather be completely broken then dangling from the strings of this half broken heart, praying to something deep within myself to have more strength than I did yesterday and the day before. 8:04 p.m. - 2006-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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