t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chicago was 90 miles ago. Richard and I... It hurts to talk to you about it diary. It hurts because you know me too damn well and I feel worse telling you. I don't want your pity. I don't want you to tell me your sorry. I just want you to stand there and look away from me as I spill my heart and feel guilty the whole time for telling you. I'm lost. My heart breaks a little more every day, every time we talk, every time we don't talk. I feel light headed and on the verge of tears. He called me and I thought things were going to get back on track to normal. He made me believe that. He told me, “I’ll call you later, okay?” and I agreed and gave him a set time to call me before. “But that’s so late, can’t we talk before?” he asks. Of course we can talk before, as long as he calls me. I’m not prepared for anything at this point. I’m not ready to be let down, I’m not ready to be lifted up. I don’t know what he’ll do and it’s his move anyway, he’ll do what’s right by him. He didn’t call me until exactly the time I told him he had to call me by, and then he starts whining about things he doesn’t do and how distracted he gets so I tell him he just needs to do what he needs to do and I won’t bother him about it. Then he tells me he wants to go in a rough voice. My heart dropped. My entire body collapsed in shivers as the wave of disappointment swept through me. We had talked before this. We talked in the morning as we always do and then it all seemed wonderful. Later I called him and it was all sex and making up and though I just wanted to turn away from it and tell him no I said yes because I love him so damn much and even though he’s been hurting me through this negligence, this avoiding of phone calls, not calling me back, not caring to talk to me at all... I let him have this normality. I let him have it all. I regret it now. I regret being so open and free with him last night and I have never ever regretted anything between us before. For the first time in my life I felt used by him. He was horny and I was a way to get him off. He’s never treated me like this, never ignored me like this. It’s so sad. I’m getting used to it. I am used to it. It’s so easy for me to get over things. I block and I block and I block and eventually I forget. I’m blocking, I’m blocking, I’m blocking. I just want him away. I don’t want to work through this! I don’t want any part of this!! I just want to lay down and cry... and cry and cry and cry... until I forget. 10:47 a.m. - 2005-11-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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