t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Absent. I am so alone. I'm in the middle of four or five people and I swear I'm still alone. I look around, not for escape like I used to, but to observe. Just to distract me, take my mind off the loneliness. There's jealousy there when attention goes from completely on me when she's not around and then to completely on her when she comes back... even when I'm standing there... right behind or right in front of... right beside. I know they don't mean to do it... That's the part that kills me the most. Always competing. I don't want to compete. I'm sure in ways she's competing with me... but I always feel a step behind. I am so lonely. I feel like no one is here to listen to me. No one is here to look at me in that understanding way. I think what kills me the most is when I'm around him I really feel like I'm being listened to, like he's focusing on ever word and it's such a wonderful feeling... but then she's there again and I have to shout to be heard. It's not that I want to be with him or I'm in love with him or anything like that. I don't want to be with him and I know I'd have no chance even if I did want to be with him. I just liked feeling heard. I don't know what's going on with Richard. I'm getting older and my opinions are forming a lot better and I'm getting more involved. It seems in this respect we're growing apart because I'm so liberal and he's so conservative. He calls the liberal people evil, just so you know. I don't feel like I can talk to him. I'm slipping behind in so many ways. All I do is sit here and listen to songs over and over again like it's going to change something. I haven't been studying... I don't know what I could be studying for. I've been so absent minded lately. I don't know what I should be doing or what I am doing. I feel so lost and lonely. I need pulled back. I need someone to hear what I say, pay attention lik ehe does.. only I need that person to be romantically interested in me as well. I wonder who that person will be. They'll come to me eventually... I hope. And until then, I don't know what will happen. 11:37 p.m. - 2005-10-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||