t-r-u-t-h's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't let the bed bugs bite. I’ve realized only a few minutes ago that my home is no longer going to be the place that I go to every night. It’s not going to be the bed I’m used to crawling into or the room I’m used to entering. The place where I will be in a two weeks and two days isn’t going to smell the same way that I’m used to. It’s scary. I’m resisting the urge to curl into a fetal position and just start crying because I don’t want to go and I don’t want to have to move all of my things or “settle” in. I don’t want to throw myself completely into this new world where I don’t have anyone to cover my back. There are going to be so many new faces and so many people who could judge me... so many people who could dislike or hate me and so many chances to fail miserably. I’m afraid of failing. But then I realize that’s not me talking. The person who’s really thinking those things is the little girl who was abused for too long, the girl who hated herself and her life, the girl who never knew how to look at the world as a place where she could make herself shine... only a place where she would get lost and hurt. That girl doesn’t trust anyone... not even herself and being away from the only place where she feels remotely safe, in her bed, wrapped in many blankets with a tune in the background that she could hum to... or an entire soundtrack of soul mystifying music blaring into her ears so that’s the only things she can hear besides herself singing as loud as she can, trying to make the world an easier place to live in, is something unthinkable and horrifying to her. However, I’m not that person. I refuse to be that person. I am a strong young woman who will make something of herself. I will push back the urge to cry when I’m laying in an unfamiliar bed and surround myself with things that make it mine. When I am in a crowd I will make sure to think about all of my goals and how I am lucky to be there in the first place. I have learned to look on the bright side of things and it really does make life a whole lot easier. I know that I’ll be alright. I know that because I choose my feelings and the way I react to things. If I want to react in a positive way then I certainly will. I’m sure that after I organize a few things, make a few “need to bring” lists, I’ll be alright. But I think for now I’m just going appreciate where I am and possible cry a little. Crying is good for the soul, after all. Truth. 12:49 a.m. - 2005-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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